Last year on September 3rd, I was 16 weeks pregnant and expecting identical twins. We didn't yet know if they were girls or boys, but I had a strong feeling they were boys. At my 13 week appointment, my doctor (not a trained ultrasound technician) had done a quick ultrasound on a portable machine. Both twins were alive and well and the same size. They both had great, strong heartbeats and were interacting with each other. However, she became concerned that she couldn't see a membrane separating them. We already knew they were sharing a placenta, but also sharing just one amniotic sac is highly dangerous as there is always a chance their umbilical cords could become tangled, resulting in the death of both twins. So I had been anxious for 3 whole weeks, worried that they were mono mono twins and therefore had a low chance for survival. In ultrasound pictures from 9 weeks, I could see something that looked like a membrane in between them. I sent the picture to other moms of identical twins, and they agreed it looked like a membrane. I was obsessing over it for 3 long weeks.
The next day, we went in for the big gender reveal ultrasound. I won't go into the details, since I already wrote about this last year. The membrane was there, of course, but we were given the devastating news that one twin had passed away about a week earlier. September 4, 2013 is a day I will never forget.
The rest of the pregnancy was difficult. Not physically, really, as I was never in pain. September, October, and November had us going to what seemed like a massive amount of doctor appointments. I was having to see a high risk doctor in addition to my regular one. I had detailed ultrasounds on a weekly basis. On that day in September, we had named our twins Collin and Gibson and given them the same middle name. With each ultrasound, Gibson got bigger and bigger while Collin got smaller and smaller. He was still there, though, and would be until the birth. In December, I landed in the hospital on bed rest in order to make sure Gibson wouldn't be born too soon. And then on January 26, 2014, I gave birth to both boys, about 11 hours apart.
We'll always know there was supposed to be another child, one who looks exactly like Gibson. I wonder if Collin's personality would be similar to Gibson's. G is the sweetest baby I've met. He's a snuggler and a fun-loving guy. He laughs so easily. He's definitely more laid-back than Liam ever was. I miss Collin all the time and think about him nearly every day. But there's an occasional day where I don't think about him for whatever reason, probably from being extremely busy. Is that horrible? I know we would be completely fine having three children, but sometimes the thoughts creep in about how much harder it would probably be having three kids. I feel horrible for thinking that, and I know we'd survive, because what other choice would we have? I wish Collin was here with us, but I also know he wasn't meant to be here with us. Are we complete without him? Not technically, although I don't think we will have anymore children. So there's always lots of conflicting thoughts.
Here's what I do know, however. We will never pretend he didn't exist. Gibson will know he has a twin brother. Perhaps he'll even know without me having to tell him. After he passed, I got a really strong feeling that yellow is the color that's supposed to remind me of Collin. I know that sounds silly, and I've never before assigned a color to anyone, but it was just a very strong, clear feeling that I got. So I go with it. That's why Gibson is having a Yellow Submarine-themed first birthday party. I won't pretend I'm not excited about another Beatle-themed first birthday party, though!
So today is a tough day, but tomorrow will be fine. Remembering is always a good thing.
PS: Having two kids and working from home leaves very little time to blog. I have so many updates to write about Gibson. I really feel guilty that his life is not as documented as Liam's was. Of course, Liam doesn't get many updates these days either. Three months without posting is unacceptable, and I promise to not go that long again without blogging...hopefully.
