Liam and Gibson

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Gibson at the Hospital

Gibson was born at 12:16 pm, so at lunch time. Our friend Sarah, who had been watching Liam, brought him to the hospital around 6:00 p.m. to meet his baby brother. Liam was excited to meet him and was pretty cute doing so. Of course, he kept trying to smother him with stuffed animals, but it was totally out of love and a two year old's lack of knowledge on how breathing works. What I loved was that I finally got to hold Liam again! I had not been allowed to pick him up in a long time, and he had backed off a good bit on showing affection to me since I couldn't really do anything with him. When Liam came to the hospital, we gave him a few gifts "from Gibson" including two new trains. We had told Liam that when Gibson was born, he would give him some trains, so maybe he was just excited to get the trains!

Since we do have Liam, Will had to go home with him and not spend the night with me at the hospital. I may have cried a little when they left, but I knew we didn't really have a choice. Gibson and I worked on breastfeeding that first night. He was sleepy for a long time that first day and was not interested in eating. I will say that Baylor has become much more proactive on breastfeeding since Liam was born. I told them how I had failed with Liam, and they wheeled a pump in basically right after I got to my room. So I started a routine of breastfeed, supplement with a little formula, and then pump pretty quickly. I also need two hands to count the number of lactation consultants I saw in our two days there. They were great in getting us off to a good start, and things have gone much better this time around.

Around midnight the day Gibson was born, I realized that I had been awake for about 38 hours at that point. Since Will wasn't staying with me, I made the tough decision to send Gibson to the nursery for two hours between feedings so I could try and get some rest. He had already been to the nursery a couple of times because he was treated as a preemie since he technically was one by 12 hours. So they had extra tests and checks to do on him. We had also gone down there together for his first bath. Once again, since he was a preemie, they had to do the bath in the nursery so he could have it done under a heat lamp. He was allowed to stay in my room, however, but I knew I would have a hard time sleeping with him in there alone with me. I think he stayed in the nursery for two two-hour stints that night so I was able to get a little sleep.

One thing they kept monitoring was his oxygen level since he made noise when he would breathe. But his levels always checked out great and he never had any signs of breathing difficulty. He just makes noise. He still does it occasionally while sleeping, and he always makes noises while eating. He's just a noisy kid.

On our second day there, Gibson had to take a car seat test, which is mandatory for preemies. He had to sit in his car seat for 90 minutes and maintain his oxygen level, heart rate, and temperature. I rested a little while he was down in the nursery doing that, but I went down for the last 30 minutes. He got excited when I talked to him and his heart rate went up, so then I laid low and let him keep snoozing in there the rest of the time. He passed easily, and while we were there he had his hearing test done, which he also passed easily. Preemie protocol calls for the baby to be swaddled in two blankets and wear two hats. The yellow hat is for preemies. It didn't fit him very well!

Our second night alone at the hospital, I also sent him to the nursery once so I could sleep a couple of hours. In the early morning hours, he was checked out by the pediatrician who declared him perfect and able to go home that day. We had to stay the full 48 hours after birth because of his preemie status. Around lunch, my friend Kelli came all the way from Louisiana to visit, meet Gibson, and she ended up being super useful in getting us packed up and on our way home. She also brought the really cute baby blanket, burp cloths, and stuffed dinosaur she made for Gibson. Will and Liam showed up after lunch, and we took our time getting all of our stuff together. I rented a breast pump to take home with me. We finally got all loaded up around 3:00 p.m. and we headed home with our two boys. It was 70 degrees the day he was born, but in the 30s the day we went home.

Friday, February 7, 2014

The Birth Of Gibson and Collin

I have a big post about bed rest that's not quite finished, but now that seems like a lifetime ago. I will finish it and publish it at some point, though, since it ended up being a big part of the pregnancy.

In this post, I will write about the birth of both babies and tell exactly how it happened.

I had been on bed rest since 30 weeks, and by Saturday, January 25, I was 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant and very much over being on bed rest. I was trying to make it to 37 weeks, and I only had two more days until I got there. We wanted Gibson to stay in as long as he could so he could be as healthy as possible.

That Saturday, the weather was perfect and I really wanted to get out of the house. The three of us went to Tapioca House to get bubble tea (I got a fruit smoothie). While there, Liam kept talking about wanting to go to the park. So we swung back by the house so I could take a potty break, and we went to the park. Once there, I promptly parked myself on a bench and watched Will and Liam play. While there, I had a contraction that actually had a little bit of pain to it, not bad, but the first one that was a little uncomfortable. We went home after about an hour, and I parked myself back on the couch, which had been my home for nearly three weeks since I had gotten out of the hospital.

Throughout Saturday evening, I had contractions, but they were 2 hours, 1.5 hours, etc. apart. They weren't regular, or very painful, and they had so much time in between them, that I didn't think much of them. I figured my little outing had been a little too much (even though I basically just rode in the car to places and sat down) and a good night's sleep would help. After Liam was in bed, Will and I sat on the couch to watch Saturday Night Live. Pretty quickly, though, I got the feeling that I should start preparing. There was no way I could sit there and watch TV. So I got up and took a shower. The contractions were still irregular, but were roughly every 30 minutes or so. They were uncomfortable but still not very painful. Around midnight, we called our friend Sarah to let her know we might be bringing Liam over sometime in the middle of the night. At that point, we weren't really sure labor was really happening, but I thought it probably was. I made a playlist of music on Will's phone for the hospital. I went with the acoustic guitar versions of Beatles songs by Laurence Juber again, which is what I listened to while laboring and delivering with Liam. I continued to have sporadic contractions that still weren't quite convincing me that this was the real deal.

(This next part is a little graphic.)

Around 1:00 a.m., I had a light contraction, and I felt something falling out of me. I instantly knew it was Collin. I pulled him out, looked at him for just a second to confirm it was indeed him, and then I understandably starting freaking out a little bit. There was no blood at all, just a tiny lifeless baby. I told Will what happened, and then we quickly started getting ready to go to the hospital. I didn't know if my body had been contracting just to get Collin out, and would wait to try and get Gibson out, or if Gibson would be coming quickly now. We got everything together, and put Liam in the car still asleep. We took him to Sarah's house, and then we headed down to Baylor. I called the doctor on call (since it was the weekend, my doctor would once again not be delivering my child) and told him the situation. He agreed that we should go in to get checked out.

We got to Baylor around 2:00 a.m. My contractions were still about every 30 minutes apart. The nurse hooked me up to the monitor. Gibson's heart rate was great; I was occasionally having contractions. I think they were less than 30 minutes apart by then. Around 3:00, my cervix was checked and I was dilated to 6 cm and was effaced, so I was actually in labor and wouldn't be leaving until Gibson was born. I got my first round of antibiotics for the Group B strep, and then we were just waiting. My contractions did pick up speed again and were less than 10 minutes apart by then, but they were still irregular in strength and time between them.

Since I wasn't in much pain at all, Will and I had a lot of time to spend together with Collin. He still looked like a baby, just like I had hoped. He had arms, hands, legs, feet, a rib cage...everything. There weren't really any facial features left except you could tell where his eyes were. He had been perfectly formed. No one had ever told me it would be possible for me to deliver him first. I had been told he would get pushed aside while Gibson was born and come out after him. I had not mentally prepared to deliver Collin first, and especially not at home. But that's what happened, and at the hospital, I realized that God had worked it out perfectly. He gave us two very separate, distinct births for our twins. With Collin coming first and me not being in too much pain, we were able to spend time with him and say goodbye to him by ourselves. We were able to talk to the chaplain about our plans for him, and we were able to have him sent to the morgue when we wanted instead of him being rushed away from us after Gibson's delivery. I think everyone there treated Collin with a lot of respect, and respected us and the unique situation we were going through. And we were able to do all of this before Gibson was born. It worked out perfectly, actually. After we said goodbye to Collin, we were able to focus solely on Gibson.

During labor, Will actually napped since I could pretty much handle my contractions on my own. I spent what ended up being at least seven hours going between the rocking chair, yoga ball, bed, and bathroom. Sometimes I would have several contractions only a couple minutes apart, but then I wouldn't have another one for six or eight minutes. I knew that labor wasn't progressing much for whatever reason. The contractions were definitely painful by then, but nothing I couldn't easily handle. At 11:30 a.m. (yes, nearly 8 hours since the last check), the doctor checked my cervix again and said I was only at 7 cm. Good grief, I had only advanced 1 cm in all those hours. I was looking at an extremely long labor, and I had already been awake for more than 24 hours. I was tired. So I agreed to have my water broken. Before it happened, the nurse said that breaking the water would RARELY cause labor to progress super fast. It would speed things up, but not super quickly she assured me.

So at 11:45 a.m., the doctor broke my water, and he and the nurse both left the room. I went to the bathroom, and when I came out I felt intense pain. It was all I could do to make it to the counter and lean on it. I knew that I was one of the RARE ones who progressed super fast after their water was broken. Poor Will tried to help me, but I was in transition where there is no comforting or relief to be had. I could barely talk, but I told Will, "Get nurse!" He had to call three times before one (but not my nurse) finally came in the room. To her, all I could say was, "Baby soon!" Then the nurse and doctor came in and quickly got everything ready. I remembered a lot of people being in the room right before I delivered Liam, but that was probably because the delivering doctor was not yet there that time. This time, the doctor was here. While standing up by (well, leaning over) the counter, I got the familiar urge to push. I somehow walked myself over to the bed and got on it. I pushed once, and the doctor said he could see the head. It definitely hurt...a lot. I was pushing hard, but the doctor would tell me to stop pushing for a moment to ease him out. He was really calm. I was holding it together pretty well, I thought. I was definitely making noise, but you would have to ask Will if I was screaming. I don't think I was, but I don't remember. I was focused on getting Gibson out and experiencing instant pain relief. I pushed just a few times, and Gibson was born at 12:16 p.m., so it had only been 30 minutes from my water being broken to birth. Not bad. It was the most painful 30 minutes of my life, but hey, I survived it! I achieved a non-medicated birth for the second time.

The first thing Gibson did once he was out was pee on the doctor. He cried. They put him on my chest. He seemed much bigger than I thought he would be. Will once again declined to cut the cord, so once again I did it. He looked healthy and perfect! He was then taken to be weighed, measured, and checked out by the nurse. Gibson weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces and was measured at 21 inches long. We think the length was definitely wrong. Three days later at his pediatrician appointment, he was 19 inches long. We are averaging it out and calling him 20 inches. If he had gone until 40 weeks, I have no idea how huge this child would have been!

After that, he was brought back to me for snuggles, but he fell asleep before breastfeeding. He spent most of the day asleep, but did eventually breastfeed.

So that's the birth story of Collin and Gibson, our twins. Gibson's birth certificate reflects that he is the second born of twins.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Filling In

It’s been a month since I became Liam’s primary caregiver. I say primary, because he has had some great ladies looking after him (thank you, Karen, Heather, Susan, Sarah, and the ladies at the church) some days so I can get some work done. Since things got crazy back on the 11^th and J became trapped in a horizontal state, I have been juggling Liam, Jennifer, housework, holidays, cooking, cleaning, remodeling, my full-time job, a cold, and occasionally sleep. Thankfully, my boss has been very generous and told me to take the time I needed and in return, I have been staying caught up on work from home. It has been an incredible experience to spend so much time with Liam. I know that I’ll never get to spend this much time with him (24/7, basically) at this age and in this current version of our family. He is developing so quickly. He is so smart, funny, strong, stubborn, and charming. His talking is improving rapidly; he can carry on a basic conversation with me. The ladies love Liam and he loves them too. He has so many little girlfriends now and he likes all of them (and they seem to like hanging around with him too) and he'll ask when he's going to see ______ again. He is quite the character in public and brings a lot of life and energy to boring places (post office, grocery store, etc) where everyone seems miserable. He is also an expert on trains, specifically all of the characters from Thomas and Friends. He also likes to watch videos of actual steam trains and he’ll pick out what character they look like. Since we have started spending more time together and he has learned to depend on me, we have a much stronger relationship than before when I’d see him for several hours every weeknight and then all weekend. At that time, he was attached to momma and I was just "that guy". Finally, I can tell that the little guy genuinely loves me and I love him so much. I’ll be glad when J comes home, though, and hopefully baby Gibson stays in there a long time.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Well, This was Unexpected

I'm typing this with one hand while laying down on my side. It's awkward and uncomfortable, but
I already have neck pain so I might as well do it, right? Plus it needs to be documented.

Since Collin passed away (16 weeks ago now), I've only gotten good news about baby Gibson. Weekly ultrasounds for the past 7 weeks have told me he's doing great and is perfectly healthy.

Thankfully, he still is, but I've been put on very strict bed rest for at least the next three weeks.

It all started during my routine weekly ultrasound at 29 weeks on December 4. Gibson checked out perfect again, but Collin was no longer where he typically had been. He is still in my womb, intact, and is approximately 2.5 inches long. He was probably about 6 inches long when he passed. The ultrasound tech thought he might have moved down low, so she did an ultrasound the other way to confirm. Sure enough, he had moved to right at the opening of my cervix ahead of Gibson. Thankfully, my doctor said Gibson would probably still push him out of the way at delivery and come out first, so she at least made it sound like it wasn't a big deal. The big deal came about when the tech decided to measure my cervix since it had never been measured before.

It was on the verge of ok and too short at 2.5 cm. I wasn't scheduled to see my doctor that day, but she talked to me and told me to greatly limit my physical activity. I wasn't put on bed rest then, just basically told to sit down as much as possible. And I did. But then Dallas got hit with an ice storm and we were without electricity for almost two days. We couldn't stay in our cold as a refrigerator house, so we endured a night at a hotel with all three of us sleeping on a full size bed. The rest of our time was spent in stores with heat, so I didn't get to rest as much as I needed.

A week later (last Wednesday), I had another appointment and cervix length check. It had gone down to 1.9 cm. That's when things got crazy.

I had a fetal fibronectin test done, which can determine the likelihood of someone going into preterm labor in the next two weeks. I met with my doctor, and she told me I wouldn't be going home that day, but instead would be going to the maternity observation triage area of the hospital for monitoring. So all three of us (Will and Liam were with me) went to that area. I got checked in, put on a hospital gown, and was hooked up to monitors that checked me for contractions as well as Gibson's heart rate. Liam was a very loud fussbot by that point, so Will had no choice but to leave me there by myself.

I was in the triage area for 3-4 hours, and was hooked up to the monitors for about an hour and a half. Gibson's heart rate was great, and I had zero contractions. I was given my first of two steroid shots to build up Gibson's lungs should he come early. The rest of the time was spent waiting for a resident to do whatever paperwork had to be done before I could be sent up to my hospital room. Mid-afternoon, I finally took a wheelchair ride up to the antepartum wing of the hospital. I got settled into the bed laying on my side, and I've been in that position ever since. I can get up to go to the bathroom, I can sit up to eat, and I can take one quick shower a day. The rest of the time, I am laying down. I can't do anything for myself anymore, which is tough because I'm still physically capable of doing things. I can't be alone with Liam unless he is zombied out watching cartoons. I can't prepare food. I can't clean. I just can't do its unless it can be done lying down. Anyone who says that sounds like a dream come true is an idiot. It's hard mentally and physically to be on bed rest. It's not fun being helpless. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to turn my head to the left by tomorrow. However, it's for a very good cause, and it's only temporary.

Back to the hospital...A gracious friend offered to watch Liam, and Will came back to visit me for awhile and bring me some necessities. We ate dinner, and then Will left me there for my first overnight stay in a hospital by myself. Liam's birth is the only other time I've stayed in one, and Will and Liam were both with me then. This was different. This was lonely. I had only crappy cable TV to keep me company. And nurses. I had to do a 20 minute monitoring stint that evening, and surprisingly the nurse stayed in my room the whole time. I didn't sleep much that night. I was awoken at 4 am to be given the medicine I was put on to keep my cervix calm. I'm still on it and have to take it every 6 hours. Thankfully, by the next evening, the nurses had shifted my medicine times to 12 and 6 (both am and pm). But that night, I was awoken at 4, and they had to take my blood pressure every time before they gave it to me. It's actually a blood pressure medication that somehow works on the cervix as well. It lowers BP, so it lowers my already normal blood pressure. I had to move around some to make my blood pressure high enough to take it at 4 am. Then 10 minutes later, someone came in to draw blood. I couldn't go back to sleep after all that. I was happy to see the sun come up a couple hours later.

That morning, I had another cervix check done via ultrasound with one of the high risk doctors I saw after Collin passed. He measured it at 1.7 cm. I couldn't believe it gotten shorter overnight! I knew then that I would have to stay at least another night. When I got back to my room, I was monitored again. No contractions yet again. Starting in late morning, I got some visitors: Candy and Elisa from church, a therapy dog wearing jingle bells, and my doctor. She told me that the slightly shorter measurement was ok because it's difficult to get precise measurements. My FFN test had come back negative, which she said was great, but she wanted me to stay another night and start figuring out how strict bed rest would work at home. Later that afternoon, Will and Liam came to visit me. Liam was confused by me being in bed, but he was cheerful and snuggled with me briefly. I was sad to see them go, but Liam probably would have wreaked havoc on the place before too long.

Thursday evening was spent watching a movie and getting monitored for 20 minutes again. All was well. Friday morning, my doctor came by early and told me I could go home that day to strict bed rest. Will had been told by his boss that he could work from home as long as he needed, so we thankfully have that base to work with. I don't have any idea how we could do this if that wasn't the case. There's no one to watch Liam everyday or anywhere for him to go everyday.

Will came to pick me up around 1 pm. I was told to call for transport when he was 10-15 minutes away. I did. My wheelchair still didn't come for about an hour! By the time I got downstairs, Will was completely stressed out because Liam lost it in the car from all the waiting. But I was glad to be on my way home.

Will has had to take complete care of both Liam and me since then. It's not easy. Liam is a handful, and was rough Saturday, and I think it was because I can't do much with him. I just lay on the couch and in the bed while Will gets us fed, corrals Liam, works from home, cleans, and works on the house (which is still in a state of renovation). It's a lot to handle. It's too much. I want to get up and help, but I'm not supposed to. We are all stressed out right now as we try to get used to this new situation. We need help with Liam. He doesn't let Will get much done while he is awake, and naps haven't happened since this all came about. We don't have a routine down yet. We need Liam out of the house so Will can be productive. Thankfully, a couple people have volunteered to have Liam over a couple of hours this week. The past two days, during what should be nap time, I've stayed with Liam on our bed and lay there while he watches cartoons on our tablet. It's the only time Will can get a break from him and get stuff done. Today, we lasted over two hours together. I know all the screen time isn't great for him, but I'm pretty sure he will be ok, and it's desperate times! I'm hoping he starts falling asleep doing this.

So that's where we are right now. I have another appointment Thursday, and I will be taking a bag in case I have to stay there again. I am 31 weeks pregnant today, so it is still way too soon for Gibson to be born. Even though he is a big boy (already approximately 4 pounds!), he's not ready. He's honestly not doing anything to cause all of this. My doctor thinks Collin could be releasing some prostaglandins that are causing my cervix to shorten prematurely. I don't know if that's the only reason why it's happening, but there's not much that can be done. Collin can't be moved. So we hope that bed rest will prolong the shortening process. I am on this strict bed rest until I am 34 weeks pregnant. Then the situation will be reassessed, and I may get some restrictions lifted. I'm still believing we can make it until full-term. It's only 6 weeks away.

Stared at this board a lot

My view

Monitoring machine

Therapy dog visit

All my pillows...still not comfortable

Watching cartoons

Showing me the Christmas craft he did at church

Looking a little rough, huh?

Friday, November 15, 2013

Baby Gibson at 26 Weeks

It's been 6 weeks since the last baby update, so I figured it was time for a new one.

October 22, I had another ultrasound done with the high risk doctor at the Fetal Care Center. Gibson was 23 weeks at that point. It was the first time we took Liam with us to that doctor's office. The first thing he said when we entered the waiting room was, "Where da fish?" since my regular doc's waiting room has a fish tank. He's been there several times and always enjoys the fish. Since there were no fish, Liam decided he did not want to be there and tried to hulk out of his stroller while loudly complaining. Will had to take him out into the hallway. Liam was still complaining while we were in the ultrasound room waiting for the doctor to come in, but we were able to distract him with watching Thomas videos on the cell phone. The doctor came in and did a thorough ultrasound of Gibson. He looked great, and she told us everything was fine. However, she also told us she wanted me to have an ultrasound done every single week until he was born. I thought it seemed excessive, but this is my first high risk pregnancy and I figured it may just be protocol for people in my unique situation.

It was decided later on that day that the weekly ultrasounds would be done at my regular doctor's office and that I most likely wouldn't have to see the high risk doctor again, assuming everything continued to go well. At an appointment with my doctor a week later, she mentioned that I might have one more ultrasound over there during the pregnancy even if everything is still fine. So we'll see what happens.

The only concern my doctor has had so far concerning my health has been the fact that I've gained a lot of weight during this pregnancy. I honestly don't know how much, but I think it's between 25-30 pounds. Since I started out overweight, I have now already reached the limit of what my doctor's weight chart says a woman my size should gain during pregnancy. Oops. However, I haven't eaten poorly or eaten too much (in my opinion, at least). Have there been a few occasions when I ate more than I should have? Yes, but that's only been a few times. In October, my doctor told me she thought I had gestational diabetes because of all the weight gain. I ended up taking the GD test at the end of October. After four days, I still hadn't heard the results, so I called to find out. Thankfully, I had passed it. But at my appointment this week, I had gained almost 5 pounds in a little over two weeks. I really have no idea why! I did partake in more carbs than in previous weeks when I had the gestational diabetes thing hanging over my head. So now I have to seriously watch my carb intake for the rest of the pregnancy and keep a food journal. I pretty much have to pretend I have gestational diabetes without actually having it. I've already been walking regularly, but now I will start doing more. She doesn't want me to gain any weight at all by my next appointment (which is the day before Thanksgiving). I really don't want her to make me freak out about my weight the next three months. I seriously doubt I can go the rest of the pregnancy without gaining any weight. The doctor told me I was on track to have a much bigger baby than Liam (he was 7 pounds, 2 ounces). I certainly hope she's not going to try to use the big baby excuse to pressure me into a C-section. I know my hips can birth a 10 pound baby if it comes to that (and I really don't think it will).

Anyway, back to Gibson. I've now had an ultrasound done every week for the last four weeks. I'm starting to get used to having to go all the way to Baylor Dallas every week. The worst part is Haskell Ave, which is pretty much the last stretch before the hospital. I swear it's the bumpiest road in Dallas, and as a pregnant gal, I ALWAYS have to go to the bathroom badly by the time I get to that road. Not cool, Dallas. The ultrasounds have been really quick, as in it's taken me three times as long to drive there as it has to do the actual ultrasound. However, I'm not complaining because every week so far, I've gotten visual confirmation that Gibson is healthy and growing well. We've seen him open and close his mouth, stick out his tongue, kick, punch, and put his hands over his face. My mom got to go to an ultrasound while she was in town. At the ultrasound yesterday, I got to see Gibson in 3D/4D for a few moments. He looks like a normal baby! I think he looks a little like Liam. We'll see if that's really true, though. When Liam was born, I thought he looked like a pretty generic baby. Then after a week or so he started having his own look. It has been very reassuring to see Gibson every week and to know that he's fine. He's typically been head down during these ultrasounds, but a week ago he had flipped head up, and yesterday he was back head down. I hope head down is his favorite position. As of yesterday, Gibson weighed approximately 2 pounds, 3 ounces and is measuring a few days ahead of schedule.

These days, Gibson is kicking me hard. There's no such thing as "light movement" anymore with him. If I'm looking at my stomach, I can see all his moving around from the outside. Will gets to feel him regularly. Liam can't keep his hand still on my belly long enough to feel him. The other night Liam was sitting in my lap and laying on me (and Gibson). He was falling asleep so he was very still. Gibson was just pummeling him, but Liam was too drowsy to notice. It was like Gibson was telling him to get off of him. He even poked out a foot and left it there for several moments trying to move him. It didn't work. I still really don't know how much Liam understands about Gibson being inside me, but he laid his head on my belly recently and said, "Hey Gibson. You in there?!" He will also put toys on my belly to share with his brother, so I guess maybe he does understand a little. Either way, it's cute and sweet. I still think Liam will be a great big brother. It's hard to imagine that he'll get to be a big brother in less than 3 months.

I definitely don't want to leave out Collin. I've also had the chance to see him on ultrasound every week as well. He is still there, but he is so small now. It's not hard for me to see him on there, and I actually ask to see him. I don't know exactly what his size is, but Gibson seems like a giant compared to him. You can still see that Collin has a head and a body. He doesn't have much in the way of facial features anymore as far as I can tell, though. Earlier this week, I called and talk to a chaplain at the hospital to find out what our choices would be as far as what to do with Collin after both boys are born. I can't handle the thought of him just being thrown out as medical waste. There's no way I could let that happen, even if all that's left of him by then no longer resembles a baby. I talked to my doctor about it a couple weeks ago, and she suggested talking to a chaplain since they are the ones that deal with deaths at the hospital usually. I spoke to a woman who helps families with babies. It has to be a tough job to deal with the deaths of the youngest on a daily or weekly basis. She was very nice, and told me what my options were. Will and I have talked about this a lot, and had decided we wanted to have Collin cremated (if it's possible). There's a chance there won't be enough mass left to cremate, but we won't know that until it happens. Thankfully, planning for cremation is an option, and she said that when the babies are born, we'd get a visit from her or another chaplain and sign a paper saying they could contact the crematory (that we will choose beforehand) to come and get Collin and take him to be cremated. We would just have to pay the cremation fee. The other option was to release him to the hospital, they would have him cremated, and his ashes would be scattered in the Memorial Garden on the hospital property. Baylor has this garden just for the ashes of babies who are miscarried before 20 weeks there at the hospital. They do this with the parent's permission, but it sounds like they also do it if the parents don't want to do anything with the remains after a miscarriage. She said there are babies there who were miscarried at even just 6 weeks of age, which I think is amazing because some women miscarry that early without ever knowing they were pregnant. I think it shows a great reverence for life that they do this. It means Collin would not have been thrown out as medical waste anyway. The good thing about this option is that we'd have a place we could periodically visit. The bad thing is that we wouldn't be allowed to be there when his ashes were scattered. We want to have his ashes with us. We don't know what we will do with them yet, but we'd like to have him with us for at least a little while. It'll probably only be a tablespoon or less of ashes. It was a difficult conversation to have, and I was definitely pinching myself so I didn't bust out crying on the phone, but I'm glad it sounds like Collin will be treated like the human baby that he is, and that he'll be treated with dignity. I'm glad I don't have to fight and prove that he was and is a real baby. He is loved and already missed.