20 Weeks

As of today, I am 20 weeks pregnant and officially at the halfway point. I don't think I'll go to 40 weeks, so really I'm more than halfway through this pregnancy.

We've been grieving the loss of our son Collin for almost a month now. The first two weeks after we found out were very hard on me. I didn't want to talk about it out loud with anyone but Will, and I didn't want to be around anyone who knew I was carrying twins and that one had passed. I didn't want to be asked about it, or worse, asked how the twins were by someone who didn't know one was in heaven already. I cried everyday about a lot of different things. I was missing Collin and scared at the same time that Gibson would pass as well. I felt very alone in this, because I am. No one around me is experiencing this exactly like I am, not even Will. I was just overall sad and paranoid and emotionally drained. I believe everything I felt was completely normal for a mother going through this unique type of loss. Through all of it, though, I was never angry that he died or upset with God or anyone. It was obviously meant to happen, and while it's not the outcome I would have chosen, I can accept that it happened for some good reason. Maybe both boys would have had a very tough road ahead of them had they continued on together. Maybe we would've had months of bad news about them only to still lose one or both of them in the end. Many people have lost one of their twins at the end of a pregnancy. Some are even told they will lose one of them upon their birth because of some defect that won't allow them to survive outside of the womb. How do you live with the knowledge that the day one of your children will be born is the day one of them will die? I'm thankful we will avoid that. I know our situation could've been so much worse than it is. And while it is still very sad for me to think about, we are healing and I know that life will be just fine. Like I've said before, we will never forget Collin or pretend he never existed. Both kids will know about him, and Gibson will always know he's a twin. I don't have to worry about Collin anymore. He is happy and whole, and when he opened his eyes for the first time he saw Jesus. How amazing is that?

About a week after the fateful appointment, I got a call with the results of my bloodwork (from the 20 vials of blood taken that day). It's truly amazing what blood can tell you. It was tested for Down's Syndrome, the Trisomies (not sure of the numbers), clotting disorders, and a number of viruses. It was thousands of dollars in tests. Thankfully, it ALL came back normal. No concerns whatsoever. Of course, it doesn't help with figuring out a medical reason for why Collin passed, but it's great news for Gibson that none of those things are going on with him (or me).

Two weeks after the appointment when we learned about Collin, I went back to the doctor to check on Gibson. A lot of tears were cried over the health of Gibson, and by about two weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know he was OK. So I called my doctor's office and asked to come in. Thankfully, I was able to get a spot exactly two weeks after the previous appointment. Will and Liam went with me. It was a pretty quick appointment. No ultrasound was done, but we got to hear his precious heartbeat on the doppler. My doctor could tell he was quite active, and his heartbeat was strong and perfect. It was a healing moment for me. That was a good day all around for our family because Will had a great job review and got a raise, and I went out with friends for the first time since Collin's passing and had fun.

After that, I felt like I was ready to be around people again, so life returned to normal, or our "new normal" as people say. Liam has been a wonderful distraction this whole time. He's kept me from sitting and pondering and worrying as much as I would be if I didn't have him. Liam is a precious child, and I know he and Gibson will be best friends. Liam talks about both of them and says that Collin is in heaven with Jesus. Does he really understand any of what's going on? No, but I tell him anyway. He's seen me cry a lot in the month of September, and he knows when "Mama sad." While we do mention Collin to him (and always will), I've made a point to talk about Gibson a lot more. I'm afraid that when Gibson is born, Liam will ask and wonder where Collin is. He won't even be three yet, so I'm sure he still won't understand though.

Even though we mourn Collin, Gibson is still very much alive! I had an appointment Friday at the Fetal Care Center to have Gibson's heart and brain checked out. We were blessed yet again to have a friend watch Liam for us so we could go alone. I was nervous about it, but I knew Gibson was still alive because I had recently felt movement. A different doctor than before came in to do the ultrasound. He was nice, though; all the doctors there have been nice. As of Friday, I've seen them all. Immediately after starting the ultrasound, he let us hear Gibson's heartbeat. He didn't waste any time. He's a pro, and he knows what mamas want to hear. It was a detailed ultrasound where he measured and looked at everything. He did look at Gibson's brain, but not as in-depth as I thought he would. He told us everything looked perfect. He had us poke Gibson while he was on the screen, and we got to see him react and kick back. It was neat to interact with him. He did show us Collin, who looked tiny compared to Gibson. He has gotten smaller while Gibson has gotten bigger. He was curled up and off to the side. The doctor said his facial features are already diminishing. One thing we've been praying for is that Collin would still look like a baby when he is born. It's not for everyone, but we would like to see him after he's born. However, it's looking like there won't be much left. There's still a long way (hopefully) to go in this pregnancy, and my body is doing what it's supposed to about Collin, as harsh of a reality as that is.

At one point in the ultrasound, Gibson did reach out to where Collin is. He obviously can't see or touch him since there is a barrier between them, but I think he knows he's there. At the 13 week ultrasound (the one where I left worried if there was a membrane between them), they were right next to each other interacting. So I do think Gibson realizes something is different on the other side of the wall. Seeing them on the screen together again did make some tears fall. It was concrete proof all over again that one of our children is dead. After the ultrasound was finished, we talked to the doctor some. He told us that we should not keep Gibson at a distance just because we are afraid of losing him too. He encouraged us to love him and get attached to him. I have been attached to Gibson all along. Even with how scared I am of losing him too and feeling like I have to say "IF he's born," not "WHEN he's born," I am totally in love with him already. It's just sometimes hard to admit that to myself even. But, I feel like the doctor gave us a lot of hope and sort of "permission" to look forward to life with Gibson. And I have been doing that. I finally went and bought maternity clothes this weekend. I had been making do with one pair of pants and two shirts from the last pregnancy that were fit for public. At home, I look like a bum most of the time. I also registered for a few baby things online. I'm not expecting a shower or even gifts, but it helps me get excited about Gibson's arrival. So I'm really registering just for me.

Anyway, after the great news from the regular ultrasound, we met with the fetal cardiologist who did a detailed ultrasound on Gibson's heart. She looked at everything in and around his heart...every vein and blood vessel too. Even though it looked grainy to us like a regular ultrasound, I guess she could see everything she needed to. Gibson was moving around a good bit, though. After checking everything out for a good 20-30 minutes, she told us she didn't see anything wrong with his heart at all. She said the heart is fully formed by 8-10 weeks, so any defects could be detected for sure at this point. His heart is perfect too! We don't have to see her again.

So we left the appointment feeling happy and blessed. Whenever I start to worry, I just remember that ALL the news we've gotten about Gibson has been good...every last thing. I know that may not always be the case the rest of the pregnancy, but for right now, it's the truth!

Gibson's profile at almost 20 weeks. He seems to have big cheeks like Liam!

I know it's kind of hard to tell what this is, but on the left is the outline of Collin's whole body. On the right, is the outline of Gibson's head. You can get an idea of their size difference. Although they look really close to each other here, there's actually a good amount of space between them. 

We don't have a full-length mirror at home, so I took this headless shot while trying on clothes. As you can see, I'm huge for 20 weeks.

The One I Wish I Didn't Have to Write

It's been nearly a week since we got the devastating news that one of our twins had passed away.

Will and I went in for my appointment worrying about whether or not there was actually a membrane between them. The ultrasound was started, and of course the membrane was found within the first minute. I had been worrying for nothing. The ultrasound tech focused on Baby B and started measuring body parts and looking at organs. Everything looked fine. The heartbeat was 141 BPM. We told her we wanted to record the screen as she announced the gender. Then she announced that she was almost completely positive they were boys! We were so happy to hear that; both of us thought they were boys.

Then she started focusing on Baby A. Very quickly she took the wand off my belly, took of her gloves, and told us she would be right back with the doctor. She didn't answer me when I asked her if something was wrong. She left the two us in the room wondering what was wrong. I was freaking out on the inside, but trying to stay calm. She was gone for what seemed like an eternity, and returned with my doctor. She took my hand and told me it looked like Baby A no longer had a heartbeat. I started sobbing while that was indeed confirmed by the ultrasound tech, and I saw my lifeless baby on the screen. He was perfectly formed with his legs curled up. He was measured, and it was determined he had passed a week earlier. I was 16 weeks, 2 days pregnant at the appointment, and the baby had passed away at 15 weeks, 3 days.

I had no idea anything had happened. My body gave me no indication that one of my babies was no longer alive. The thought had never even crossed my mind. I was worried about several other things that can go wrong with having identical twins, but I honestly never thought I would lose one.

We were ushered into an empty exam room and left alone to cry for awhile. During that time, my doctor made an appointment for me with a maternal-fetal medicine (high risk) doctor down the street for an hour later. My doctor finally came into the room and told me they didn't know why it happened and that they may never know why it happened. She assured me several times it was not because of something I did. She was crying a little, too. She was reluctant to tell me the surviving twin would be fine, which is why she wanted me to see the other doctor. After pulling myself together as best as I could, we walked out of the room and the office without checking out or scheduling another appointment.

We had lunch in the hospital cafeteria and then went to the new doctor's office. I was doing a good job at that point of not crying. I had a lot of paperwork to fill out which distracted me. After a very long time waiting, we were finally called back. After a stop at the blood pressure machine (it was surprisingly normal), we were shown into an ultrasound room and waited for my new doctor to come in.

Just like before, she started the ultrasound thoroughly checking out the surviving twin. She confirmed that he was indeed a boy and that he looked perfect at the moment. She briefly looked at Baby A, and I noticed that the nurse in there with us kind of put her head between me and the screen so I couldn't see very well while he was on there. When she finished with the ultrasound, she took my hand and gave me pretty much the same speech my regular OB had given me about it not being my fault and that she didn't know the reason why it happened either, at least not yet. She cried a little bit, too. But then she got down to business to let us know what the next steps would be. I was to come back in three weeks so she could do an in-depth scan of his brain. When twins are sharing a placenta and one dies, it can briefly affect the amount of blood and oxygen going to the surviving twin. The further along in the pregnancy this happens, the greater the likelihood of there being lasting damage to the surviving twin, usually in the form of cerebral palsy. However, she said my loss happened at what was considered early in the pregnancy as I was only two weeks into the second trimester. She said that the fact that they were still small and would not have been sharing very much blood at all yet made the chances go down significantly that he would have any lasting problems. However, she also said she just couldn't be absolutely sure nothing happened since the event had already occurred. She said his brain looked fine, but it was still too small to really examine it. The doctor assured us that the vast majority of the time, the surviving twin in this situation goes to term and doesn't have any problems at all. At the next appointment, an echo will be done on his heart to see if it is having to work harder now than it should. She said he had a normal, four-chambered heart, though, and that was great.

Even though she said we may never know the cause of death, she wanted to do some blood tests to see if that would uncover a reason. She said the deceased baby's neck was thicker than usual, and then she said that it becomes thicker after they pass. However, it can be a marker for Down's Syndrome or the Trisomy's. Now, I really don't know much about them, and I've always declined the testing for them since it sounds like there are a lot of false positives. She also wanted to test my blood coagulation levels to see if a clot could have caused it. So after the ultrasound and speech were finished, I was taken into someone's office and the nurse came in to draw literally 20 vials of blood from me for all those tests. I had no option but to stare at the paperwork in front of me that said the reason for the tests was "Demise Fetus A." Somehow I managed not to cry, though. Will had left the room because blood makes him queasy, but it really doesn't bother me.

Finally, after making my next appointment for three long weeks later, we were able to leave and go home. I held it together long enough in the car to call my mom and tell her the news. Then I cried all the way home. A gracious friend had been watching Liam for us, and his 2.5-3 hour visit turned into more than 5 hours. Once at home, I just sat on the couch sobbing, stunned at how the day had gone. Liam was thankfully a good distraction, and has been for the past five days.

The past five days have been really tough. This is the first time I've dealt with this kind of loss. I cry easily and haven't wanted to be around anyone but Will and Liam. I don't want to talk about it out loud yet with anyone. I cry about the fact that I lost a child. I cry about the fact that there won't be two babies to hold and raise together. I was looking forward to having twins. I cry because I have to carry my deceased baby for the remainder of the pregnancy. I cry with worry that I will lose the surviving twin as well. I am very scared and paranoid about that right now, especially since I don't feel much movement yet. At 12 weeks, I felt both babies kicking me at the same time, and it was even strong enough for Will to feel them too. That's not typical at all for babies that small. I think now it was a miracle and a gift to get to feel both of them kicking so early. They WERE both alive and now one is gone. Our hearts are broken for sure. However, I think each day is a little easier than the one before and I cry a little less each day. I do think it's one of those things I won't completely get over, though. I will always know there should have been two. But I do know that life will still be fine in spite of this fact.

Wednesday night after we found out the news and Liam had gone to bed, Will and I were both grieving the loss of our son. We had talked about names before that day, and decided on the names Collin and Gibson if we were having boys. In my mind, Collin was Baby A, and Gibson was Baby B. So that night we named our angel baby Collin. We had not decided on middle names, but Will wanted to give him the middle name Noel (pronounced Nole), so we did. Collin Noel. We named our living son Gibson. Later on we decided to give him the middle name Noel as well, since it was the only thing we could give them that they could share. Gibson Noel. Since then, we refer to them by their names and talk about Collin a lot. Liam has learned both of their names, and tells both of them good night and good morning every day. When we ask him what are his brother's names, he replies, "Cah-yen and Gif-son." When I ask him where Collin is now, he replies, "Heavent." I think it's precious and I love hearing him say both of their names. I think he will be an amazing big brother, and I sincerely hope and pray he gets the chance to be one to Gibson.

I think it will always feel like someone is missing from our lives, but I know we won't ever pretend that Collin never existed. We will talk about him and tell Gibson about him. I hope that somehow Gibson has a connection to his brother. I don't know if that's possible at all, but I do want Collin to be a presence in our lives somehow.

Both babies at 9 weeks

Collin at 9 weeks

Gibson at 16 weeks and proof he's a boy.

Yeah, We Were Just as Surprised as You Are

We figured we would have another child at some point. We hadn't really planned out a time frame for such an event, but we knew our family of three wasn't complete. One more kid was the plan.

So when this happened June 26, I was surprised but happy.

Foreshadowing

We handled this news much better than the first time, when we spent the first couple weeks in all-out panic mode. But, we were experienced this time and knew what to expect and what we had to do regarding insurance and all that other grown up stuff that goes along with this sort of thing. Plus, I didn't really have much time to ponder on it since I still had a rowdy two year old to deal with and he had no idea what was going on.

That first day, I told Will and JAAG (friends forever) the news. Then we told our families in person when we went to Louisiana for July 4th. Everyone was happy!

As far as pregnancy yuckiness goes, I definitely felt much worse this time than with Liam. I was more emotionally unstable that time rather than physically ill. But this time I had the all day stomach-ache that occasionally turned into nausea and extreme tiredness. It still wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of women have it, and I was still able to function pretty well as a mother...until Will got home from work. Then I needed to lay down for a while!

The midwife I had with Liam left the office where she was working, so we had a decision to make regarding who I would see this pregnancy. After some research, we decided to go with the newer midwife at the same practice and deliver at the same hospital where Liam was born. We like the familiar. So on July 19th, all three of us headed into Dallas for my first appointment with the midwife and confirmation ultrasound.

We had to wait 30 minutes past our scheduled appointment time, but thankfully Liam did not completely lose it even though he was strapped in his stroller. The ultrasound was up first, and since we were pros at this now, we were pretty calm. We were expecting to see one little baby blob with a beating heart on the screen with the news that "Everything looks great!" Well, we certainly did see that.

In fact, we saw two of them. Twins.

That's when the crying and subdued freaking out started. Sure enough, there were two tiny wiggly babies with beating hearts on the screen. Shocked is an understatement. Twins do not run on either side of our family. We never even considered twins were a possibility. I was shaking and had tears running down my face as the ultrasound continued. They appeared to be in the same chorionic sac (I know you probably don't know what that means), but were thankfully separated by a membrane into their own amniotic sacs. So not only were we having twins, but they appeared to be identical twins! And identical twins are a random (God) event not caused by genetics, so everyone pretty much has an equal shot at identical twins.

After the ultrasound, they took my blood pressure. (Really? My hands were literally shaking.) It was up, but thankfully not too high. Then I was told I could no longer be a midwife patient since I was expecting multiples. Bummer. Since I obviously didn't have an appointment with a doctor that day, I briefly talked to the midwife. Then I had to choose a doctor to see for the remainder of the pregnancy. Since Liam's midwife had been out of town the day he was born (literally her one day off for the month), Liam had been delivered by the backup doctor from the same office. I didn't know her at all really, since she showed up about five minutes before Liam was born, caught him, and told me, "Great job!" I saw her the next day, though, and I remembered her being very nice. So I chose her. At least my kids would be delivered by the same doctor that way! As it turns out, she has boy/girls twins!

*The previous part was written before today's appointment.*

Today I had my first visit with my doctor. We talked some about twins and she answered some questions I had. Then she used a small, portable ultrasound machine to see the heartbeats. She said it's still kind of difficult to distinguish between two heartbeats just with doppler this early. I'm 13 weeks. The bonus of this was that I got to see the babies again! They had certainly grown a lot since 9 weeks. Both measured at 13w3d and had heartbeats around 160. They looked great and perfect! However, the doctor was not able to see a membrane between the two babies. They were very close to each other stacked liked a yin yang. They are definitely identical twins and sharing one placenta. This is fine...as long as they have their own amniotic sacs. Of course, this no membrane news was very disheartening. This kind of twins are called mono-mono, which means one placenta and one sac. Since there's nothing dividing them, their cords can get tangled and, as you can imagine, that's bad news all around.

However, there's still a chance the membrane actually is there. In my emotional state, I'm trying to remember these four things:
1. The membrane was there at 9 weeks. The sonographer easily found it and marked that there was one on the chart. Unless is wasn't really a membrane in the first place or it somehow disappeared, then it should still be there.
2. The ultrasound machine used today was low resolution, and it didn't provide a clear picture of the babies. It's a portable one used mostly for just finding heartbeats.
3. My doctor is not a sonographer, and does not spend all day looking at ultrasounds of babies.
4. When she and a different sonographer reviewed my 9 weeks pictures, they agreed there was a chance there was a membrane there.

I'm definitely scared and thinking of the what-ifs. If the babies are still trucking along at 24 weeks and are definitely mono-mono, I will have to move into the hospital for constant monitoring until (hopefully) 32 weeks, when the babies will be delivered. There will be NICU time. I have no idea how Will and Liam would handle me not being at home for at least two months. I can't imagine not being at home for two whole months. But if it's what I end up having to do for these babies, then I will obviously do it. If you pray, please pray the membrane is actually there and separating them. If that's the case, then the pregnancy will be business as usual, at least as much as twins can be.

365: August 1-7

Finally another 365 post! Pretty much all of the pictures are of Liam (surprise, surprise). But at least he's cute!

August 1: Getting a "daddy hug" 

August 2: We went to the train station to pick up Will after the Warped Tour, so of course Thomas had to go with us!

August 3: Sitting on the couch with this handsome fella

August 4: Toddler car show with Thomas balancing on top of the monster truck

August 5: He woke up from nap asking for an apple. I was quite shocked when he actually ate a decent amount of it!

August 6: Perched on top of the couch looking out the window

August 7: A cute smile that was captured accidentally when I pushed the camera button without meaning to

Pictures from The Past Couple of Months

Well I certainly have not kept up with blogging like I want to/need to. This summer has been a little crazy, and taking care of a mighty busy toddler, working, and thinking about stuff has taken up a lot of my time. Not a whole lot has happened in the past month or so; we mostly stay at home these days whether we want to or not.

Here's some random pictures from the last two months that will kind of bridge the very large gap that has formed between now and the last time I did a 365 post. Since August 1, I have actually been intentional on taking pictures (mostly of Liam), and my next post will be a 365 one even though it's no longer 365 pictures since I took 3 months off from that!

June 20: Listening to music through the headphones

June 21: Liam rocking out with Will singing into a toilet paper stand

June 24: Will and I saw Anberlin in concert for the 7th time! Apparently, a lot of other brown-haired people were at the show as well.

July 2: Swinging solo for the first time at a playdate at church

July 2: Later in the day, he built this massive block tower by himself!

July 4: Not impressed with fireworks at my parent's house in Louisiana. (The one they are holding was not lit!)

July 5: Visiting our friends, the Kipatricks, in Ruston, LA

Liam isn't sure what to think of the pink wand a friend brought over.

July 22: Cool guy in shades

July 24: Decided to hold the whole banana while eating it

July 26: Will and I went on a date and stopped by Guitar Center. Does anyone else think that bass style is sacred and shouldn't be reproduced?

July 29: Liam hugging a friend

June 16: This picture was supposed to be first, but instead somehow became last. Will and Liam on Father's Day!

Liam at the Splash Pad

Way back in June, about a month ago, we were invited to meet some folks at a local splash pad for a playdate. Liam had never been to one before, so I was excited for him to try it out. He really liked it! He's not afraid to walk away from me, so he ventured out into the streams of water without coaxing and tried to hang out with bigger kids, although he was largely ignored. We were there about an hour and he spent most of that time in the sun out on the splash pad, but took breaks to come sit with me and drink some water and get a snack. I somehow managed to keep Liam from getting a sunburn, but I wasn't so lucky even though I spent most of my time in the shade and had even put sunscreen on my face! We need to go splash padding again soon!

Liam is in the lime green Batman shirt, and the the blue swim trunks since they were all Target had in his size the day I went!

He insisted on drinking my water.

On the edge

Yeah, he just walked right up to the group of strangers and sat down among them.

Wielding a toy he found on the ground. I made him give it back

Splashing near Tyler, one of the friends we were there with.

Cute splasher.

Liam's Curious George Birthday Party

I think it's safe to say I've gotten out of the habit of blogging. I didn't have time to really do it for a long time, and now that I have a little more free time to do it, I don't really think about doing it. I need to, though, so I will try to be a better blogger.

Liam's birthday party was originally supposed to be May 19, which ended up being just one day after we moved in our house. I informed our guests that the party was getting pushed back to June 2.

Between moving in and 4:00 pm on June 2nd, Will worked tirelessly on the house (I helped when I could) to try and get it ready for other people to actually come inside. We achieved this goal at approximately 3:59 pm June 2nd. The living room was still full of boxes just one hour prior to the party. Thankfully, Will's parents had been here that weekend and helped us a lot around the house.

Of course, I didn't get to do all the cute decorations I wanted to use or utilize all the fun ideas I found on Pinterest, but that's ok. A month and half after the party and it's already hard to remember all the details, so I'm sure no one cared that there weren't streamer garlands hanging from the ceilings.

Liam's buddies and their families came over and had snacks and cupcakes, colored, and played outside. The weather was nice that day. After the party, some friends stuck around, and we ordered pizza for dinner and the kids that were still here played some more. It was a lovely day, except for the chigger bites some folks got in our yard.

Liam enjoyed his George party, and had really been looking forward to "party cake" leading up to the event. He did a great job eating his cupcake in a civilized manner with a fork. I think a fun time was had by all!

The huge cedar tree in our backyard provided perfect shade.

The balloons were a big hit since I didn't have time to actually tie them down somewhere before the party.

Brown painter paper came in handy.

The toddler crowd loved coloring.

Bubbles

While we sang Happy Birthday to Liam

Finally got to eat some party cake!

Playing with the water hose resulted in a soaking wet Liam

An outfit change was necessary.

Playing with his new truck.

Look at that face! They had so much fun with that balloon!

Evidence a party had taken place. Nice cracked patio, right?