Filling In

It’s been a month since I became Liam’s primary caregiver. I say primary, because he has had some great ladies looking after him (thank you, Karen, Heather, Susan, Sarah, and the ladies at the church) some days so I can get some work done. Since things got crazy back on the 11^th and J became trapped in a horizontal state, I have been juggling Liam, Jennifer, housework, holidays, cooking, cleaning, remodeling, my full-time job, a cold, and occasionally sleep. Thankfully, my boss has been very generous and told me to take the time I needed and in return, I have been staying caught up on work from home. It has been an incredible experience to spend so much time with Liam. I know that I’ll never get to spend this much time with him (24/7, basically) at this age and in this current version of our family. He is developing so quickly. He is so smart, funny, strong, stubborn, and charming. His talking is improving rapidly; he can carry on a basic conversation with me. The ladies love Liam and he loves them too. He has so many little girlfriends now and he likes all of them (and they seem to like hanging around with him too) and he'll ask when he's going to see ______ again. He is quite the character in public and brings a lot of life and energy to boring places (post office, grocery store, etc) where everyone seems miserable. He is also an expert on trains, specifically all of the characters from Thomas and Friends. He also likes to watch videos of actual steam trains and he’ll pick out what character they look like. Since we have started spending more time together and he has learned to depend on me, we have a much stronger relationship than before when I’d see him for several hours every weeknight and then all weekend. At that time, he was attached to momma and I was just "that guy". Finally, I can tell that the little guy genuinely loves me and I love him so much. I’ll be glad when J comes home, though, and hopefully baby Gibson stays in there a long time. 

W

Well, This was Unexpected

I'm typing this with one hand while laying down on my side. It's awkward and uncomfortable, but
I already have neck pain so I might as well do it, right? Plus it needs to be documented.

Since Collin passed away (16 weeks ago now), I've only gotten good news about baby Gibson. Weekly ultrasounds for the past 7 weeks have told me he's doing great and is perfectly healthy.

Thankfully, he still is, but I've been put on very strict bed rest for at least the next three weeks.

It all started during my routine weekly ultrasound at 29 weeks on December 4. Gibson checked out perfect again, but Collin was no longer where he typically had been. He is still in my womb, intact, and is approximately 2.5 inches long. He was probably about 6 inches long when he passed. The ultrasound tech thought he might have moved down low, so she did an ultrasound the other way to confirm. Sure enough, he had moved to right at the opening of my cervix ahead of Gibson. Thankfully, my doctor said Gibson would probably still push him out of the way at delivery and come out first, so she at least made it sound like it wasn't a big deal. The big deal came about when the tech decided to measure my cervix since it had never been measured before.

It was on the verge of ok and too short at 2.5 cm. I wasn't scheduled to see my doctor that day, but she talked to me and told me to greatly limit my physical activity. I wasn't put on bed rest then, just basically told to sit down as much as possible. And I did. But then Dallas got hit with an ice storm and we were without electricity for almost two days. We couldn't stay in our cold as a refrigerator house, so we endured a night at a hotel with all three of us sleeping on a full size bed. The rest of our time was spent in stores with heat, so I didn't get to rest as much as I needed.

A week later (last Wednesday), I had another appointment and cervix length check. It had gone down to 1.9 cm. That's when things got crazy.

I had a fetal fibronectin test done, which can determine the likelihood of someone going into preterm labor in the next two weeks. I met with my doctor, and she told me I wouldn't be going home that day, but instead would be going to the maternity observation triage area of the hospital for monitoring. So all three of us (Will and Liam were with me) went to that area. I got checked in, put on a hospital gown, and was hooked up to monitors that checked me for contractions as well as Gibson's heart rate. Liam was a very loud fussbot by that point, so Will had no choice but to leave me there by myself.

I was in the triage area for 3-4 hours, and was hooked up to the monitors for about an hour and a half. Gibson's heart rate was great, and I had zero contractions. I was given my first of two steroid shots to build up Gibson's lungs should he come early. The rest of the time was spent waiting for a resident to do whatever paperwork had to be done before I could be sent up to my hospital room. Mid-afternoon, I finally took a wheelchair ride up to the antepartum wing of the hospital. I got settled into the bed laying on my side, and I've been in that position ever since. I can get up to go to the bathroom, I can sit up to eat, and I can take one quick shower a day. The rest of the time, I am laying down. I can't do anything for myself anymore, which is tough because I'm still physically capable of doing things. I can't be alone with Liam unless he is zombied out watching cartoons. I can't prepare food. I can't clean. I just can't do its unless it can be done lying down. Anyone who says that sounds like a dream come true is an idiot. It's hard mentally and physically to be on bed rest. It's not fun being helpless. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to turn my head to the left by tomorrow. However, it's for a very good cause, and it's only temporary.

Back to the hospital...A gracious friend offered to watch Liam, and Will came back to visit me for awhile and bring me some necessities. We ate dinner, and then Will left me there for my first overnight stay in a hospital by myself. Liam's birth is the only other time I've stayed in one, and Will and Liam were both with me then. This was different. This was lonely. I had only crappy cable TV to keep me company. And nurses. I had to do a 20 minute monitoring stint that evening, and surprisingly the nurse stayed in my room the whole time. I didn't sleep much that night. I was awoken at 4 am to be given the medicine I was put on to keep my cervix calm. I'm still on it and have to take it every 6 hours. Thankfully, by the next evening, the nurses had shifted my medicine times to 12 and 6 (both am and pm). But that night, I was awoken at 4, and they had to take my blood pressure every time before they gave it to me. It's actually a blood pressure medication that somehow works on the cervix as well. It lowers BP, so it lowers my already normal blood pressure. I had to move around some to make my blood pressure high enough to take it at 4 am. Then 10 minutes later, someone came in to draw blood. I couldn't go back to sleep after all that. I was happy to see the sun come up a couple hours later.

That morning, I had another cervix check done via ultrasound with one of the high risk doctors I saw after Collin passed. He measured it at 1.7 cm. I couldn't believe it gotten shorter overnight! I knew then that I would have to stay at least another night. When I got back to my room, I was monitored again. No contractions yet again. Starting in late morning, I got some visitors: Candy and Elisa from church, a therapy dog wearing jingle bells, and my doctor. She told me that the slightly shorter measurement was ok because it's difficult to get precise measurements. My FFN test had come back negative, which she said was great, but she wanted me to stay another night and start figuring out how strict bed rest would work at home. Later that afternoon, Will and Liam came to visit me. Liam was confused by me being in bed, but he was cheerful and snuggled with me briefly. I was sad to see them go, but Liam probably would have wreaked havoc on the place before too long.

Thursday evening was spent watching a movie and getting monitored for 20 minutes again. All was well. Friday morning, my doctor came by early and told me I could go home that day to strict bed rest. Will had been told by his boss that he could work from home as long as he needed, so we thankfully have that base to work with. I don't have any idea how we could do this if that wasn't the case. There's no one to watch Liam everyday or anywhere for him to go everyday.

Will came to pick me up around 1 pm. I was told to call for transport when he was 10-15 minutes away. I did. My wheelchair still didn't come for about an hour! By the time I got downstairs, Will was completely stressed out because Liam lost it in the car from all the waiting. But I was glad to be on my way home.

Will has had to take complete care of both Liam and me since then. It's not easy. Liam is a handful, and was rough Saturday, and I think it was because I can't do much with him. I just lay on the couch and in the bed while Will gets us fed, corrals Liam, works from home, cleans, and works on the house (which is still in a state of renovation). It's a lot to handle. It's too much. I want to get up and help, but I'm not supposed to. We are all stressed out right now as we try to get used to this new situation. We need help with Liam. He doesn't let Will get much done while he is awake, and naps haven't happened since this all came about. We don't have a routine down yet. We need Liam out of the house so Will can be productive. Thankfully, a couple people have volunteered to have Liam over a couple of hours this week. The past two days, during what should be nap time, I've stayed with Liam on our bed and lay there while he watches cartoons on our tablet. It's the only time Will can get a break from him and get stuff done. Today, we lasted over two hours together. I know all the screen time isn't great for him, but I'm pretty sure he will be ok, and it's desperate times! I'm hoping he starts falling asleep doing this.

So that's where we are right now. I have another appointment Thursday, and I will be taking a bag in case I have to stay there again. I am 31 weeks pregnant today, so it is still way too soon for Gibson to be born. Even though he is a big boy (already approximately 4 pounds!), he's not ready. He's honestly not doing anything to cause all of this. My doctor thinks Collin could be releasing some prostaglandins that are causing my cervix to shorten prematurely. I don't know if that's the only reason why it's happening, but there's not much that can be done. Collin can't be moved. So we hope that bed rest will prolong the shortening process. I am on this strict bed rest until I am 34 weeks pregnant. Then the situation will be reassessed, and I may get some restrictions lifted. I'm still believing we can make it until full-term. It's only 6 weeks away.

Stared at this board a lot

My view

Monitoring machine

Therapy dog visit

All my pillows...still not comfortable

 Watching cartoons

Showing me the Christmas craft he did at church

Looking a little rough, huh?

Baby Gibson at 26 Weeks

It's been 6 weeks since the last baby update, so I figured it was time for a new one.

October 22, I had another ultrasound done with the high risk doctor at the Fetal Care Center. Gibson was 23 weeks at that point. It was the first time we took Liam with us to that doctor's office. The first thing he said when we entered the waiting room was, "Where da fish?" since my regular doc's waiting room has a fish tank. He's been there several times and always enjoys the fish. Since there were no fish, Liam decided he did not want to be there and tried to hulk out of his stroller while loudly complaining. Will had to take him out into the hallway. Liam was still complaining while we were in the ultrasound room waiting for the doctor to come in, but we were able to distract him with watching Thomas videos on the cell phone. The doctor came in and did a thorough ultrasound of Gibson. He looked great, and she told us everything was fine. However, she also told us she wanted me to have an ultrasound done every single week until he was born. I thought it seemed excessive, but this is my first high risk pregnancy and I figured it may just be protocol for people in my unique situation.

It was decided later on that day that the weekly ultrasounds would be done at my regular doctor's office and that I most likely wouldn't have to see the high risk doctor again, assuming everything continued to go well. At an appointment with my doctor a week later, she mentioned that I might have one more ultrasound over there during the pregnancy even if everything is still fine. So we'll see what happens.

The only concern my doctor has had so far concerning my health has been the fact that I've gained a lot of weight during this pregnancy. I honestly don't know how much, but I think it's between 25-30 pounds. Since I started out overweight, I have now already reached the limit of what my doctor's weight chart says a woman my size should gain during pregnancy. Oops. However, I haven't eaten poorly or eaten too much (in my opinion, at least). Have there been a few occasions when I ate more than I should have? Yes, but that's only been a few times. In October, my doctor told me she thought I had gestational diabetes because of all the weight gain. I ended up taking the GD test at the end of October. After four days, I still hadn't heard the results, so I called to find out. Thankfully, I had passed it. But at my appointment this week, I had gained almost 5 pounds in a little over two weeks. I really have no idea why! I did partake in more carbs than in previous weeks when I had the gestational diabetes thing hanging over my head. So now I have to seriously watch my carb intake for the rest of the pregnancy and keep a food journal. I pretty much have to pretend I have gestational diabetes without actually having it. I've already been walking regularly, but now I will start doing more. She doesn't want me to gain any weight at all by my next appointment (which is the day before Thanksgiving). I really don't want her to make me freak out about my weight the next three months. I seriously doubt I can go the rest of the pregnancy without gaining any weight. The doctor told me I was on track to have a much bigger baby than Liam (he was 7 pounds, 2 ounces). I certainly hope she's not going to try to use the big baby excuse to pressure me into a C-section. I know my hips can birth a 10 pound baby if it comes to that (and I really don't think it will).

Anyway, back to Gibson. I've now had an ultrasound done every week for the last four weeks. I'm starting to get used to having to go all the way to Baylor Dallas every week. The worst part is Haskell Ave, which is pretty much the last stretch before the hospital. I swear it's the bumpiest road in Dallas, and as a pregnant gal, I ALWAYS have to go to the bathroom badly by the time I get to that road. Not cool, Dallas. The ultrasounds have been really quick, as in it's taken me three times as long to drive there as it has to do the actual ultrasound. However, I'm not complaining because every week so far, I've gotten visual confirmation that Gibson is healthy and growing well. We've seen him open and close his mouth, stick out his tongue, kick, punch, and put his hands over his face. My mom got to go to an ultrasound while she was in town. At the ultrasound yesterday, I got to see Gibson in 3D/4D for a few moments. He looks like a normal baby! I think he looks a little like Liam. We'll see if that's really true, though. When Liam was born, I thought he looked like a pretty generic baby. Then after a week or so he started having his own look. It has been very reassuring to see Gibson every week and to know that he's fine. He's typically been head down during these ultrasounds, but a week ago he had flipped head up, and yesterday he was back head down. I hope head down is his favorite position. As of yesterday, Gibson weighed approximately 2 pounds, 3 ounces and is measuring a few days ahead of schedule.

These days, Gibson is kicking me hard. There's no such thing as "light movement" anymore with him. If I'm looking at my stomach, I can see all his moving around from the outside. Will gets to feel him regularly. Liam can't keep his hand still on my belly long enough to feel him. The other night Liam was sitting in my lap and laying on me (and Gibson). He was falling asleep so he was very still. Gibson was just pummeling him, but Liam was too drowsy to notice. It was like Gibson was telling him to get off of him. He even poked out a foot and left it there for several moments trying to move him. It didn't work. I still really don't know how much Liam understands about Gibson being inside me, but he laid his head on my belly recently and said, "Hey Gibson. You in there?!" He will also put toys on my belly to share with his brother, so I guess maybe he does understand a little. Either way, it's cute and sweet. I still think Liam will be a great big brother. It's hard to imagine that he'll get to be a big brother in less than 3 months.

I definitely don't want to leave out Collin. I've also had the chance to see him on ultrasound every week as well. He is still there, but he is so small now. It's not hard for me to see him on there, and I actually ask to see him. I don't know exactly what his size is, but Gibson seems like a giant compared to him. You can still see that Collin has a head and a body. He doesn't have much in the way of facial features anymore as far as I can tell, though. Earlier this week, I called and talk to a chaplain at the hospital to find out what our choices would be as far as what to do with Collin after both boys are born. I can't handle the thought of him just being thrown out as medical waste. There's no way I could let that happen, even if all that's left of him by then no longer resembles a baby. I talked to my doctor about it a couple weeks ago, and she suggested talking to a chaplain since they are the ones that deal with deaths at the hospital usually. I spoke to a woman who helps families with babies. It has to be a tough job to deal with the deaths of the youngest on a daily or weekly basis. She was very nice, and told me what my options were. Will and I have talked about this a lot, and had decided we wanted to have Collin cremated (if it's possible). There's a chance there won't be enough mass left to cremate, but we won't know that until it happens. Thankfully, planning for cremation is an option, and she said that when the babies are born, we'd get a visit from her or another chaplain and sign a paper saying they could contact the crematory (that we will choose beforehand) to come and get Collin and take him to be cremated. We would just have to pay the cremation fee. The other option was to release him to the hospital, they would have him cremated, and his ashes would be scattered in the Memorial Garden on the hospital property. Baylor has this garden just for the ashes of babies who are miscarried before 20 weeks there at the hospital. They do this with the parent's permission, but it sounds like they also do it if the parents don't want to do anything with the remains after a miscarriage. She said there are babies there who were miscarried at even just 6 weeks of age, which I think is amazing because some women miscarry that early without ever knowing they were pregnant. I think it shows a great reverence for life that they do this. It means Collin would not have been thrown out as medical waste anyway. The good thing about this option is that we'd have a place we could periodically visit. The bad thing is that we wouldn't be allowed to be there when his ashes were scattered. We want to have his ashes with us. We don't know what we will do with them yet, but we'd like to have him with us for at least a little while. It'll probably only be a tablespoon or less of ashes. It was a difficult conversation to have, and I was definitely pinching myself so I didn't bust out crying on the phone, but I'm glad it sounds like Collin will be treated like the human baby that he is, and that he'll be treated with dignity. I'm glad I don't have to fight and prove that he was and is a real baby. He is loved and already missed.

Gibson's foot and boy parts at 23 weeks

Gibson at 24 weeks

Collin

My belly at almost 25 weeks

Gibson on the left and Collin on the right-25 weeks

 

Sorry these next two are sideways:

3D of Gibson at 26 weeks

Tired of all the pictures

Gibson at 26 weeks

The massive amount of ultrasound pictures I was given this week

The Day Liam Met Curious George

Although Liam has moved on to Thomas the Train as his favorite character, he still loves Curious George. We saw on TV that there was a museum in Fort Worth with a temporary, interactive Curious George exhibit. Liam saw the commercial and said, "Liam go to it." He talked about it enough that we decided we should take him even though it wasn't cheap to go!

Because we always leave later than we originally plan to, we got to Fort Worth around lunch time instead of mid-morning. We went to our favorite restaurant, Spiral Diner. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a wait, so Liam had pretty much reached his limit of redirection and don't do that's by the time we sat down. The first high chair didn't have a buckle (really?), so it was a struggle getting him into another one. We distracted him with snacks and a to go cup long enough to scarf down our meal as quickly as possible before getting out of there before he got screamy.

At that point, it was nap time and he was tired and he was hungry because he didn't eat much. That was his fault. He was offered plenty of food. In the car, he got excited about going to the "George 'Seum" once again, so I was hoping it would all go well.

It was kind of dark in the Curious George room, and there were so many activities and people around, that I think it was just a tad too overwhelming for a tired Liam. He got fixated on the boulder moving station, and kept getting in other kids' ways. Then he got fixated on the golf station and kept trying to interrupt other kids playing. So before too long, Liam absolutely lost all patience with the amount of redirection we were having to do. I tried to get him to try other stations, but he kept wanting to go back to his two favorites. It's hard to remember all the details now, but I know Will had to pick him up and remove him from a situation, and then Liam became the one screaming in the room. Curious George was scheduled to make an appearance soon after that, and I didn't want Liam to miss it if we could help it, so we took him into the hallway and calmed him down the best we could.

Then we carried Liam to the room where Curious George was posing for pictures, and there was a long line of people waiting their turn. When Liam saw George, he wanted to go to him immediately and struggled to get down. When he wasn't allowed to do that, more screaming happened. He was so tired and now angry that he couldn't go see George. We took him out one more time and calmed him down yet again. Then we tried one last time. The line was much shorter now, and we only had to wait a few minutes. Liam was still crying, but thankfully not screaming, so we stayed put. When it was Liam's turn to meet George, he immediately stopped crying and smiled the biggest smile ever. He loved meeting George and was genuinely happy to be sitting next to him. I'm pretty sure he decided he was just going to stay there all day. So when our minute or so with George was up and we had to move on, you can imagine how Liam reacted. So we once again carried a screaming Liam out, and then we just left the exhibit. We didn't want to put him in the car so upset, so we gave him some water and crackers in the hallway (again), and then we left the museum.

It was unfortunate that he was so tired by the time we got there, but we had gone all the way to Fort Worth, so there was no way we were going to skip it. All the chaos was worth it, though, because of how much he loved meeting Curious George. Then he took a good nap all the way back home!

Pictures From the Past Three Months

August

 

I guess coconut ice cream is loud.



At our disastrous birthday lunch at Spiral Diner.

The day he stole my breakfast.

Doing some big boy swinging.

Liam through the tube.

Cheeze.

Liam with all the Georges.

September

 

The day he was obsessed with a paint brush.

Flowers from my best friends after Collin passed away.

This happens every single day. Still.

Liam's first locust shell.

Brothers.

Seems reasonable.

October

Painting aftermath.

Can't forget to cover the arms.

The picture Liam drew of George. It might be upside down.

Outside of Spiral Diner Fort Worth.

Easting salsa with a spoon at Spiral Diner Dallas.

Painting a pumpkin.

Drew a smiley face on the pumpkin. (The dot on the left was an accident!)